Hello everyone, I hope you are doing well.  Me, I’m doing okay, however, I am fighting a little depression these days.  I will try and tell ya’ll what is going on, if I can make some sense of it myself.

Where do I start?  I don’t know how or why this depression has slipped up on me because I try and try my hardest to live one day at a time and not look back.  I know you can’t live your life looking back, you must always move forward with your life.  Although I know all of this, reminding myself is another task…

Well, my youngest daughter turned 16 a few weeks ago and it just seems as if we have been head to head about things since her birthday!  It’s just one thing after another with her these days.  I guess she is trying to see what her boundaries are.  I’m strong but every once in a while I need a break!  It’s just the drama we have to go through to get to an endpoint is unbelievable, but of course I still love her!

At the same time, I am thinking of the future and future bills we will come across.  The big one is Bella’s college and then she will need a car for college.  It seems like a lot of money when just one person is working and the other on disability.  I am feeling the itch to get at least a part-time job, however, I know me and will eventually end up in the hospital for some reason and with that comes multiple doctor appointments.

I know I should give my worries to God, and I do on a daily basis and I also know that I should live one day at a time, but I can’t help to think that I should help with the bills that will be coming in.  As you can tell, I still struggle with this no working thing after 5 years.  I have never had to rely on someone else to help me out with the bills, house cleaning and taking care of myself at times but this is what this disease has done to me.  I feel as if I am a totally different person than I was before.  I used to be self sufficient and hard working and was proud of myself for accomplishing that.  There are some days now when I try my best to muster up the strength to get out of the bed and onto the couch.

Sometimes I ask myself and God what I did that was so wrong that I am being punished for now.  I probably don’t want to know the answer to that!  I admit, I wasn’t exactly an angel in the past but that was in the past, way past.  Maybe I should believe that God is preparing me for something excellent that he has for me in the future.  I need to be ready for what he has in store for me!

If I think about it in that way, I do feel better about all the things going on in my life.  I also feel better now that I have talked out what all is in my head and have many ears listening to me.  Thank you for being here for me.  You can imagine what all this has done to my Crohn’s Disease, can’t you??  I am trying to get my diarrhea under control as we speak.  Please send up a little prayer for me today.  I truly do feel better now, thanks again!  This is just another symptom of having Crohn’s Disease – depression.

Chow for now!

Kelly